The Epic FINAL battle of NARUTO
by Seirei no Ryuu
Summary: It is time. The final battle has come. The outcome of this battle will decide the fate of the - Wait, what's with the tomato-cookies?


WARNING: This is _not _a yaoi :P

The Epic FINAL battle of _NARUTO_

Gusts of wind blew around Sasuke, weaving through his clothes and messing up his hair. He stood on a tree branch, waiting for a stupid, obnoxious boy that irritated him out of his mind and greatly affected his hearing with all his loud-mouthedness, and made everyone think they were gay because of that 'accidental' kiss scene from when they were twelve. _Screw you, Naruto, _he thought. Then he thought of someone else to blame too, so he stuck a middle finger to the sky. "Burn in hell, Kishimoto!"

_ (Somewhere far, far away, in a different time, in a different dimension, a Japanese author is joyously walking until a huge flaming hole swallowed him.)_

"_Sasuke!"_

Someone burst out of the trees. Sasuke couldn't see who it was since he had bandages around his eyes due to the surgery of the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan, but he knew the person anyways. Naruto, mainly by the unmistakable shouting of the boy.

"Naruto-Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Sasuke took one step forward, but forgot he was on a tree branch and fell blindly about, oh, nine-hundred or so feet, smashing into branches along the way. He landed flat on his face. When Sasuke sat up, gallons of blood began pouring from his nose.

"Woah, buddy, you okay?" asked Naruto, jumping to his side.

"No I'm not, you idiot! Can't you see I'm bleeding!" He clamped a hand over his nose. "Godwamnit, bwhere's Sakuba?"

"Hey guys!" said girl randomly appears. "Don't worry; I'll make quick work with this." She grabbed Sasuke's nose and painfully set it back together, earning a loud scream that shook the birds from their nests. "All done. Now don't destroy the world you two!" And so Sakura disappeared.

"Now where were we?" Naruto tapped his chin. "Oh, yeah. _Sasuke!"_

"Naruto."

"_Sasuke!"_

"Naruto."

"SASUKE!"

At that point, Sasuke could only raise his eyebrows.

"Saaaaaaaah-aah-aah-suu-uu-uu-uuu-kee-eeeee-eeeee!"

"Dude, what are you doing?"

"What? It's in my script. See?"

Naruto handed the packet to Sasuke and after he removed the bandages, he looked it over. "First encounter . . . singing? . . . Fight . . . kicks to the balls." Sasuke shook his head and put back on the bandages. "Whatever. Behold, my PMS — I mean EMS!" He again removed the bandages but due to the super effects of the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan, what he saw resembled that of an 80s kaleidoscope. Four Narutos were swirling and disappearing into one another. _Is this a side effect of the EMS?_

"Hey, you gonna attack or what?" yelled Naruto. Sasuke stood there, transfixed creepily at Naruto. He slapped a hand to his forehead. "I'll never understand emos."

The blonde charged and so did Sasuke. With his Kusanagi, Sasuke slashed and Naruto dodged. He slashed again, but Naruto kept dodging.

"Uh, teme, I'm right here," said Naruto, a good ten feet away.

"Oh," Sasuke squinted his eyes.

Naruto got a mischievous idea. "Oi, can you see me?" He waved his arms wildly like the maniac he is. "Ha! I'm so good not even the great teme could see me. Hey Sasuke, can you see me now?" Naruto ran up to his friend and started dancing around him. He spanked his butt in Sasuke's face too. "Haha! Sasuke can't see me. Sasuke can't see me ―"

Sasuke chidori-punched Naruto, hoping to aim for his face. Instead, his fist landed on the guys butt, producing a loud fart right at Sasuke's face, and at the same time electrocuting Naruto.

"Ow, I don't think I'll be able to poop for a week," cried Naruto, clutching his bottom.

"I don't think I'll be able to get that stink out of my nose for a week," said Sasuke, clutching his nose once again.

Naruto stumbled around and aimed a punch at Sasuke. Sasuke caught it and threw one at Naruto. He flipped over, but Sasuke was ready and with another chidori-punch, once again punched Naruto in the tush, electrocuting him, again.

"Would you stop punching me there!" growled Naruto, his hair one-thousand times more spiky than usual. "I swear you've got the hots for me or something. I don't even know why we're fighting. We all know I'm gonna win since I'm the main character!"

They fought some more, twisting and turning, punching and kicking. They fought so much that the whole thing lasted twenty chapters, with thousands upon thousands of flashbacks that the narrator got tired of waiting and quit so they had to get a new one.

"I'm so exhausted," panted Naruto, collapsing on the ground. Sasuke lay opposite him. "Teme, can we . . . can we just team up and kill Madara and you can come back to Konoha?"

"Okay," he agreed, struggling to his feet.

"Uh oh. Sasuke, help," moaned Naruto, "I can't move my limbs."

* * *

><p>Naruto and Sasuke arrived at the dick-that-won't-reveal-how-he-got-immortality-or-what's-really-behind-that-mask-just-like-Kakashi-won't's base. Inside, Madara was in front of an oven. When he turned to face the boys, he was wearing an unnaturally frilly pink apron.<p>

"Oh. Hi, Sasuke-chan!" A squeaky voice spoke from the mask. Tobi, the funny little good boy everyone loves. "And you brought a friend too? Yay! We can all have a tea party!"

"_Sasuke-chan_?" repeated Naruto, barely controlling his giggles. "Oh gosh, that's a better name for you than 'teme' or 'The Sauce.' You even look like a girl! Hey Sasuke-chan, wanna go shopping? Hey Sasuke-chan, how 'bout some ramen or ―"

Sasuke pointed his Kusanagi at Naruto's chest. "Say that again and I will fry you up with a chidori, cut out your heart, feed it to the Kyuubi, then take it out again and give it to you as toppings for your ramen."

"Now Sasuke, no need to say such visuals that will corrupt little kids' imaginations," said the deeper voice of Madara, slipping off the apron. "Here, have a tomato-cookie."

"Why don't you ― Ooh, a tomato-cookie."

Naruto's jaw dropped. "What the _hell? _I thought we were gonna fight Madara!" he screamed. "And what's a tomato-cookie? Sounds nasty." He looked at the cookie in Sasuke's hand, with its tomato shavings in place of what is supposed to be chocolate chips, all dried up and pruney like old people's fingers. "Looks nasty, too," he gagged.

"Wanna try?" he held out one half of the cookie.

"No, I don't wanna try!"

Sasuke shrugged. "Suit yourself." He was about to take another bite when Tobi swooped in and took the cookie from his hands.

"Yay, I got the cookie! I'm such a _bad _boy!"

Naruto turned to Sasuke, his mouth still opened to take that next bite. His hand even retained the shape it was in while holding the cookie.

"Uh . . . Sasuke, you gonna be ―"

Suddenly, the dark-haired boy spun around. "You bastard!" He pulled out his sword and began piercing Tobi. "Take that, stabby-stab-stab!" He kept stabbing and stabbing Tobi while Naruto cowered in a corner, crying from the frightening images of murder he was seeing.

"Enough of this." Madara took over and used his swirly-dimensional technique and pulled Sasuke into that Hueco-Mundo rip-off place. Then he brought him back to the real world, then back to the square world, swirling him in and out, in and out, in and out _(Hey, what are you thinking?)._

"H-hey, stop-stop that," Sasuke said, his eyes swirling as he wobbled from all the spinning. _How could anyone fit inside that eye anyway? _Sasuke collapsed on the ground, eyes still swirling. Naruto immediately rushed to his side, taking hold of both his hands. "Naruto, it's all up to you now." Sasuke puked his lunch.

"Don't worry teme, I got this." Naruto was about to stand when Sasuke puked all over their hands. Freaking out, Naruto hastily wiped his hands on Sasuke's shirt and turned to Madara.

"Are you here for the tea party?" asked Tobi.

"No, I'm here to kick your butt!" He charged at Tobi with, of course, some three-thousand clones trailing behind. Oh and everyone is so excited! They're like 'OMG! That's a lot of clones!' and after forever, some talking rather than fighting, Naruto going Rasengan, Rasen-Shuriken, then finally becoming the Kyuubi and unmasking Madara to find he's either A) Masashi Kishimoto himself!, or B) a failed attempt at Orochimaru's first try at the resurrection jutsu that became badass through Kabuto's use, but strangely he won't appear here or C) he's a woman. These are all guesses from the author and have not actually occurred as of yet in the manga. Any similarities to person, place, or jutsu are purely coincidental.

Naruto wiped sweat from his forehead, the defeated and unmasked Madara lying at his feet. He gave a triumphant nod and strutted over to where his best ―if not emo ―friend lay.

"Did you get him?" Sasuke asked weakly.

"Yep, I even gave him a real good kick in the balls."

Sasuke smirked. "Good. Now I can rest." He closed his eyes.

"Wait, teme you can't die! We were all gonna get back together. Us, Team 7. There would be happiness, tears, Sakura crying and bringing us to her tent to heal but in reality it's so that the three of us could have wild sex and maybe an answer to this whole triangle we have. Oh, Sasuke!" He buried his face in the dark-haired boy's clothes. "Oh, Sasuke! Oh, Sasuke you can't die!"

"I'm not dead, you idiot, and get off me!" He kicked Naruto off his belly, but then the world started spinning again. "But I feel something coming up." His cheeks puffed and started vomiting again, spewing puke directly into Naruto's mouth. When he stopped, Naruto was on the ground, tears streaming down his face, scrubbing his tongue with his clothes, tree bark, dirt, Sasuke's sword, whatever he could use to get rid of the vomit.

* * *

><p>"So," Naruto began much later after scraping off the puke, "wanna go for some ramen."<p>

Sasuke sighed. "Yeah, fine."

The two turned around and started walking to Konoha when Madara stood up. He looked crazy, his eyes the size saucers, and a demonic smile on his face, his hands reaching for Naruto and Sasuke, twitching.

"You will not leave. I . . . will ch―" He didn't finish as Naruto and Sasuke gave him a flying kick directly in his crotch. Madara recoiled over, clutching his inverted junk, an uncharacteristic amount of drool spilling from his mouth.

"Still up for that ramen?" asked Naruto hopefully.

"Yeah . . . but you're buying." And so they walked off into the sunset.

THE END

Tobi sniffed. "But what about the tea party?"

* * *

><p><strong>Just thought I'd try out my hand at comedy. How'd I do? Comedy is really hard, I have no idea how those comedians do it.<strong>

**So basically, this is my interpretation of how the final battle will be, since it seems the series is coming to an end soon (nooooooooo! please don't end!) It's gonna be epic! Totally can't wait!**


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